I found a good use of my father-in-law, John. He's a good babysiter. Ok, we were still home, but I at least got some peace and quiet with my husband for 2 hours!! And so I'm thinking, maybe having John around won't be too bad of a thing. At least when he's willing to keep and eye on Alysia every once and a while.
Today was crazy...
Shawn's mom Tina, came over, not realizing John was here. Oy vey. . . that's all I can say about that. Tina was shocked to see him, and luckily her new husband was there for her to hold onto. It was scary. Shawn wasn't too happy when they started arguing. John and Tina began to argue, and probably 10 minutes later, I couldn't find Shawn, so I got Alysia out of her basinette, and took her outside to look for him. And for the first time, I saw him cry. I know that sounds pathetic, this big army guy crying. He'll probably give me hell for writing about him crying, but anyways, he was crying. Not a lot of tears, but enough to make me cry. He was sitting underneath our favorite tree just staring straight ahead. I knew that his parents had done this before, but I was never around to witness it. I guess they have always argued when Shawn was younger. And I know how much it upsets him.
Anyways, I sat down beside him, and he didn't show any signs that he noticed I was there for a few minutes. He looked at me, and that's when I saw the tears and that's when he laid his head on my shoulder and said "I don't want to ever become like that. . . promise me, that we won't do that to Alysia." That's when I lost it. I began to cry and so he felt bad and hugged me, meanwhile poor Alysia is sitting on my lap sleeping. She didn't notice a thing. I couldn't reply to what Shawn had said. I mean, how was I supposed to reply to that. I don't want to make Alysia feel the way Shawn was, and I hope and pray, that Shawn and I always stay this way. This open with each other. Well, we're open with each other to an extent, he keeps his work things out of our normal day-to-day living but that's all that we don't discuss. I love him, and I'm sorry that he feels this way about us.
I don't know whether to take what he said as a good thing, or to take it as he thinks we're not as strong as we once were or maybe that he thinks we won't be this strong of a couple in 5 years. I don't want to ever lose what I have with him. He's my best friend, and it really scared me when he was saying that. After he stopped crying he said, "Emma, where do you think we're going to be in 7 years?" I got quiet and he must have known what he said got me stumped because he wiped away my tears and kissed me before putting his arm around me. And that's when these words just sort of fell out of my mouth, "I love you, and I don't know where tomorrow is going to take us, never-the-less the next 7 years. And I don't care to know. I just want to live for today, and keep on loving you the rest of my life, if that's possible." Appearantly I said something wrong, because he got up and left, and I haven't seen or heard from him since. . .
That was an hour and a half ago. Hopefully he comes home or calls soon. His mom left a few minutes ago, and she knows somethings wrong with us. And I'm scared to admit it, but there is something wrong, whether it be with Shawn and I, or just Shawn, or just me, but one way or the other, something is wrong. And I'm scared.
Emma